“…an email message between my mother and I.”

I firmly believe that the above should read,

“…and email message between my mother and me.”

The logic of my objection is as follows:

1. Between is a preposition.
2. What follows a preposition is the “object” of the preposition.
3. When nouns are objects, they take the objective case.
4. The objective form of I is me.

The only real argument my opponents can make is embedded in this op-ed in the New York Times:

For centuries, it was perfectly acceptable to use either “I” or “me” as the object of a verb or preposition, especially after “and.”

Of course, grammar now is different from grammar 400 years ago. Were I to do linguistic battle against Shakespeare I would certainly lose, but against the folks over at reddit—I think I can win.

Merriam-Webster provides us with this lousy definition:

enthuse
transitive verb

1. to make enthusiastic
2. to express with enthusiasm

intransitive verb

: to show enthusiasm

Really? “Enthuse” might just be the weirdest fucking word ever. Here are some examples that actually make sense grammatically:

• I am enthused about the project.
• The Broadway show enthused the audience.
• “That show was great!” Tom enthused.
• The couple enthused over the offer.

To make matters worse, “enthuse” hardly even qualifies as a word. According to MW, the first known use of “enthuse” was in 1827. That makes “enthuse” a pretty young word. Hell, even “obscene,” invented by Shakespeare, is like 400 years old.

• Indicative
• Interrogative
• Imperative
• Subjunctive

Things get a little more complicated when you consider modal verbs, so we’ll ignore those for today. In fact, let’s ignore that last mood, the subjunctive, too. The other three moods are ones that nobody every fucks up, so I’ll just tell you what you already know.

The Indicative

The indicative mood is used to state things. Some examples:

• I am tall.
• He thought she was pretty.
• We are going to the airport tomorrow.
• You will never know anything.

The Interrogative

The interrogative is used to—you guessed it—ask questions.

• Why are you so retarded?
• Is this a car?
• Isn’t she cute?

The Imperative

The imperative is used to tell people to do stuff.

• Buy me a house.
• Die in a fire.
• Don’t tell her I said that.

You may be wondering why I bother to write such drivel. I am doing this in preparation for another, longer post—one about the subjunctive mood. Most people, when told to use the subjunctive mood for stating a condition contrary to fact simply look at you with glazed-over eyes and say, “Huh?” That’s bad.

The confusion of the possessive “its” with the contractive “it’s” is an unequivocal signal of illiteracy and sets off a simple Pavlovian “kill” response in the average stickler. The rule is: the word “it’s” stands for “it is” or “it has”. If the word does not stand for “it is” or “it has” then what you require is “its”. This is extremely easy to grasp.

…If you still persist in writing, “Good food at it’s best”, you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave.

dearth

1. scarcity that makes dear; specifically: famine
2. an inadequate supply: lack

Yet for some reason I hear dearth used to mean the exactly the opposite of “an inadequate supply.” If you want words that mean “an abundance,” try these:

• plethora
• profusion
• wealth
• cornucopia
• bounty

If you know what a case is, then you understand perfectly the difference between the nominative and objective forms of a pronoun. On the other hand, if you don’t, then remembering which to use can be tough. Here’s an example of when to use “me”:

WRONG: You can consult either Jake or I.

RIGHT: You can consult either Jake or me.

But sometimes this can be confusing. People therefore resort to the following:

WRONG: You can consult Jake or myself.

“Myself” is a reflexive pronoun. It has two main uses:

1. When the object of an action is the same as the subject, and the subject is the speaker
2. Emphasis

Here are (hopefully) illuminating examples:

1. I kicked myself.
2. I will do it myself.

The latter use is almost impossible to mess up, but the first one doesn’t have to be hard either. Just remember: the only person who can do something to “myself” is me.